27 October 2019
In my first hours in Vipassana, I felt my shoulders slump - my mind was over flowing with resistance. My beloved and I had had a taste of Rome and Venice and we intended to resume our travels through Florence when we completed the 7 days and I was impatient to continue on our journey. Sitting still after so much motion and novelty seemed such a difficulty.
As I was settling on my cushions I had my first moments of clarity. “There is” I thought to myself “absolutely nothing difficult about sitting and doing nothing for 7 days! – Please stop the complaining!”
My beloved told me once about a time he and an ex-partner visited Pune together for the second time. As they approached the gates they promised each other that this time there would be no dramas, no jealousies, no tears.
As I remembered this story, I made a similar vow to myself: in this Vipassana - no complaining, no long face, no moaning, no wishing I was elsewhere. I felt myself agree to this vow.
And so with this act of self love and openness, began one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.
I have been so lucky to have found Osho, and to have met so many beautifully trained therapists and group leaders. I’m so grateful to those who have guided me through the Awareness Intensive, The Path of Love, Inner child and Primal work and to the Art group (which taught me that so much of life that I long for can come from playfulness, dance and colour, not from agony) - because all of these processes led me to this Vipassana. I felt so ready. I was so ready.
There is no way to explain how wonderful the Maha Vipassana was. How perfect. But I can try. Everything I needed was provided for me. I needed to be with others who were sincere and heartful. I needed a place of beauty - to take me away from the noises and distractions of city life. I needed healthy food, a warm bed, someone to keep time and I needed access to the Osho-meditations that help me create the space and capacity for silence - dynamic, kundalini, evening meeting. I found all of these things but so much more.
I found a full moon shining over Miasto, I found a family of deer beneath my window at night, I found 5 trees, green fields, rock gardens and lily ponds and every day, Shunyo’s beautiful voice, saying so little and yet conveying so much love.
I feel like I know every nuance of that voice now. Shunyo’s lightness of touch conveyed her trust in us. She knew that we could find our way into the silence.
The Vipassana was one of the most important times in my life - because it was where I saw how much I avoid being present in my life. I saw my endless, reckless dedication to wishing forward and thinking back.
And I saw how much unhappiness that it was bringing me. This Vipassana I saw the opportunity to fall in to the moment; into every breath - and I took that opportunity. It was beautiful and it is lasting and I am so grateful.